Fantasy Supercross Smackdown Part II - Feature Review - Dirt Rider Magazine

Six Weeks on the west coast and POOF, she's gone. I don't get it. She waltzed out of my life and into the uppity arms of some tender-foot softy back east. I can't believe after a month she'd just up and ditch me. And right around Valentine's Day too. What a hooker.If she's smart she'd come back. After all, I was good to her. I saw her nearly every weekend. I thought about her at work. I told my friends about her and I even talked to my mom about how much fun we were having together. I did all this and received nothing but the gut-stabbing pain of desolation and abandonment.Of course I'm talking about the Amp'd Mobile AMA Supercross series and its complete lack of decency in leaving California. It led me on. It had me thinking it would be around my neck of the woods forever with its unpredictability, excitement and fire-water induced fans. What it's doing to me by heading east is discourteous, spiteful and selfish.From here, I know not what to do. At least I totally suck at Fantasy Supercross.I know it's been a while since the last update, but we had this little thing called the Dirt Rider 24-Hour Torture Test which required my attention. If you're lucky enough to be employed by Dirt Rider this overnight event actually translates into the Dirt Rider 193-Hour Torture Test and Full-System Shutdown... or whichever comes first. For me everything went black at about the 143rd hour and I came to somewhere in the desert at a motocross track where I apparently agreed to a grudge-match race against Sarah Whitmore (let's not go there right now).So there's my excuse for punking-out on the Fantasy Supercross updates and for not providing you with relief from the barrage of press-release "content" you normally find on websites these days. Now, on to the news.After San Diego the fantasy point breakdown goes like-a-so:Sean Finley is in a comfortable lead with 481 points. What's the secret to his success? No Fear Energy bars. I have a box of them in my office and whenever he's bogged-down from spreadsheets and expense- reconciliation- data- configurational- operation- forms, he gobbles down a couple and then, and I'm serious about this, HE SEES THE DAMN FUTURE! It's unbelievable. He started gaining on the former leader (me) around Phoenix and went flying past without even picking his privateers.I guess this is a good time to explain the fantasy format (should fantasies have formats? Isn't that why their fantasies? Never mind). Fantasyracer.com gives you $1 million in play money to buy five riders. You can pick Lites riders or Supercross riders (that's still stupid to say). Each rider has different values relative to their potential. And you can only change your five riders a total of eight times throughout the season. So, west-coast Lites guys are good, but they cost you a trade this week (which you only have eight of) so you can get some east-coasters. The privateers (the sixth member of your team) are free each week but you can only pick them once during the season. So, you have to re-pick your privateer each week or else you miss out on whatever points you would've received had you picked a points-earning privateer. What the hell did I just say? The point is Sean F'n Finley didn't even bother to pick his privateers for two weeks and ended up beating the tar out of us anyway. I guess that's what happens when you call him grandpa.Holding down second position is Jimmy Lewis with 459 points. Screwy Lewis has a plan—as he always does—and it involves making everyone suffer the whole season by filling them with false hope and smashing them to pieces in the end. He too utilizes the caffeinated candy bars as a source of power and mind-control. Also, he really likes to brag about how he has all his trades left and how his "plan" is working perfectly. Someone put this man in his place already! At least I have goofy pictures of him to post on my updates.Third place goes to, this hurts to even say, the Freestyler with 431 points. Yes, Chris Denison the Jump Monkey has officially set foot on the podium of cubicle-fueled racing and, in doing so, has set a new standard for demoralization throughout the corporate world. When a ramp-rider comes in and beats you in a race, it hurts. But, I think, the joke is ultimately on Chris. You see, it's now official; he's been hired on as a full-time staffer at DR. The Mini Rider captain finally has a job that doesn't involve monster trucks. Good for him. Even though he told me just yesterday that he missed riding freestyle, I think he'll be perfectly happy under the deadline pressure of two magazines (he's still in charge of Mini Rider, that poor bastard). Speaking of MR, check the newsstands now for the latest issue. It's full of sick, dope, rad and gnarly motorcycling built just for kids.Just for fun we'll talk about fourth place too. The third loser this week is Drew "LCD" Ruiz with a respectable 415 points. Have you ever taken a close look at a motorcycle photographer these days? They have a system I like to call "Shoot-and-See". They shoot the photo, then immediately look down at their fancy digital LCD and make sure the photo is in focus or the exposure is correct. Drew is the master at this. He Shoot-and-Sees with the best in the biz. And he actually skips school to come out and put on his display for us. If Drew's teachers are reading this, thanks for letting him come out during the week. He told me he doesn't really pay attention in your classes anyway.I'm currently resting in fifth place with 404 points. But since I don't like to talk about myself, we'll skip me and concentrate on the other pathetic losers (no offense though)... Okay, we'll talk about me a little. I tried Sean's method of not picking privateers and it didn't work at all. Even Joe Mckimmy, with 343 points, is creeping up on me with a blown-out knee, a terrible cold and a complete lack of interest. It's all Mike Alessi's fault. I had him on my team the first three rounds because I believe in the little guy. But, I had to dump him because his start-strong-finish-weak performances really took the points away. I like Mike, but man, when he started hitting the podium after I cut him; I quickly became a Mike-Hater with the rest of the boo-sheep in the stands. Thanks Mike, now I have to hate you for ruining my fantasy SX league. On second thought, Sean F'n Finley also cut Mike Alessi after his slow start so I guess it's me, not you. Sorry dude, keep pulling holeshots.So, that's the top six. Should we really give love to anyone else? No, not really, but here's a quick list of the back-three for giggles.7th place: Derek Steahly 334 points—the off-roader is not good at picking SX riders. He wanted to pick Mike Lafferty and Brian Garrahan but I told him it wasn't a contest for who could knock down the biggest tree with their motorcycle, it was Supercross.8th place: Kevin Carpenter 263 points—Kevin is making me nervous because he actually called me with a motivated tone when speaking of his "comeback". Now the neatest guy in the office might be ready to make a move. Neat-O!9th place: Daryl Osswald 177 points—Who the hell is Daryl you ask? Well, he's an ad-guy who has recently formed an obsession for racing motocross. He's borrowing bikes around the office (personal bikes mind you) and subsequently lodging them into, as he calls it, "shrubbery". He told a story to Dick Burleson that made me laugh so hard I broke my shin. He's also a former downhill mountain-biker and a really good flag-football player—seriously he's going to the world finals. Last weekend he hit a tree (on a borrowed bike) during a race (passing for the lead) and now wants to borrow a bike for this weekend's race. No Daryl I won't "hook you up."Okay, that's all for now. More later.-JZ