Dirtrider.com Fantasy Supercross Smack-Down

We're playing Fantasy Supercross. But really it's just an excuse to make fun of everyone I work with. So, let's get to it!

Welcome to the Dirtrider.com fantasy Supercross smack-down. I'm your host, JZ, and if you think you can hang, be my guest and read on. Through the next 14 weeks I'd like to take you on a Supercross road trip. This road trip never actually leaves our Los Angeles offices but instead takes you on a journey through the cubicles, filing cabinets and trash cans of the Dirt Rider staff. But I'm going to warn you; the 17th floor of the Peterson building in sunny Los Angeles sounds nice, but it's a mud-slinging, back-stabbing, dirt-digging drama pit that can and will suck the momentum from your mono-shock.

Okay, it's not that bad really. But we do talk a lot of inter-office smack... all in good fun. And, in reality, our offices are actually quite nice. In fact, if I squint through the smog and catch the sun just right, I can see the ocean just past Santa Monica from where I sit. Not that I'll be visiting it anytime soon since the "man" has me penciled in to be his pack mule for the next sixty years. Okay, back on topic.

The point of this was simple: to have everyone on staff join an online fantasy Supercross league to see who plays "team manager" the best. Along the way, I insert my expert commentary and hopefully let you, our valued reader, into the working world of your favorite magazine. Along the way you'll get inside views into the personality quirks of staffers, exclusive details about the way Dirt Rider is built, and if I feel like it, some Supercross news. All of this brought to you through a completely biased and opinionated agenda intended to make you laugh at those I work with. Heck, I'll even throw myself under the bus for a chuckle. I'm silly like that.

So, without further delay, on with the races.

You might be saying to yourself, "Self, these Dirt Rider guys are a little slow. Supercross started two and a half weeks ago." And you'd be completely correct. Except it's not all our fault.

First, the fantasy site we decided to go with (www.fantasyracer.com) experienced more technical difficulties than a Speed Channel cameraman prior to and after the opening Anaheim round. So much so that they threw out round 1 completely and started everyone back at zero points going into Phoenix. So, as far as fantasyracer.com is concerned, Phoenix is round one, Anaheim 2 is round two and so on. Okay, that's cleared up.

Second on the blame list is our completely slacking staff of procrastinating jack holes. Six of us managed to pull out some points for the Phoenix round but two of Dirt Rider's finest somehow dropped big goose eggs. Art Director Joe Mckimmy (AKA "Metro Joe") and Ad-man Kevin Carpenter (AKA "Ad-A-Tude") both left Phoenix with nothing but their poor excuses for existence. Get on the ball guys, even the freestyler (see below) is beating you. The great part is Carpenter was always taking smack about how good his fantasy football teams were (yes, he had a baker's dozen of them) yet he can't figure out the intricacies of Fantasy SX. Also beating the two sleepers is new-guy Derek. And he can't even spell his own name right. Derek, it's S-T-E-A-H-L-Y, with an "L". And another thing, didn't you win an online contest to get your job? Shouldn't you be better than 34 pathetic points? A-team my butt. Jeez man, get on the gas already.

Also on the "lame" list is our Web Editor Jean. She hasn't even signed up yet! And she lives on the 'net! Unfortunately she's also constantly working on the 'net so she probably festers a deep despise for any web-based recreation. But we'll see. I told her she'll probably catch the freestyler in a couple weeks. And I'm sure she'd like nothing more than rubbing that in his face. Senior staffer Karel "pronounce it 'Carl'" Kramer didn't respond to e-mail requests to join in the fun and is probably busy rolling his eyes at the thought of stooping to our level. That, or he's tearing about the flux-capacitor on a KTM somewhere so the freestyler can go back in time and land that jump in Fresno—rubber side down.

By the way, whenever I refer to someone as the "Freestyler" that means Chris "short urinal" Denison. I also use the namesakes, "Screamo-music guy", "love-my-trendy-lifted-truck guy", and "saggy-pants guy".

Other news this week is that I am completely kicking the crap out of everyone in the points. Everyone that is, except for our Publisher, Sean "Grandpa" Finley. He's only one point down and has a certain look in his eye whenever we pass in the hall. I assume it's the same look he gave the competition during his intimidating years on the professional quad-racing circuit. But I'm really only guessing since I wasn't even alive then.

If you haven't Ctrl-Alt-Deleted your way out of this yet, congratulations. You're almost through. And don't worry if you haven't a clue about what's going on, either does anyone I work with.

The good thing is this: Finally the confusion of setting up the league is just about over and with that the fun should really start. If everybody picks a team for A2, we should have something to talk about mid-week. If not, I'll just pick on somebody at random and you can watch Sean Finley and I battle it out for inter-office domination. 'Cause I know he ain't backing down, and I'm holding it open till I stuff him in a tuff-blok!

Till next time,

JZ is officially out

[Following is an "Editor's Note"]

I think Jesse is forgetting one important factor here... that I am the Online Editor, meaning everything on the site goes through me. So before you put me on your "lame list," Ziegler, know that there will be repercussions. True, I didn't do the Fantasy Supercross league... my 60 hour week got in the way of getting "Pink Pony Racing" off the ground. But sarcasm and throwing co-workers under the bus, I always have time for!

Speaking of which, shouldn't another addition to the "lame list" be the certain staffer who got a little wild on the Moto Pogo Stick after hours in the office and crashed into the "Exit" sign? Oh wait, that was Joe. Well... okay, how about the one who spent the night under the grand piano at the Hyatt? Oh wait, that was Derek. I'll think of one for Jesse in a minute.

So did anyone else notice how he ever-so-tactfully side-stepped the big bald man in his commentary? Don't worry Jay-Z, I'll fill in that blank for you. Freely and gladly.

As I understand it—from a safe distance across the 17th floor—Jimmy has been having an onslaught of technical difficulties lately (hence the picture of him in attack position before his computer). If you were ever curious, this is exactly how he looks at a photoshoot. The lower the sun gets in the prime time of the afternoon, the more his head turns to a nice shade of "seedless red grape," and the more colorful the language becomes. Every now and then, the arms start flapping, too. Ah, good times. But don't let his harsh exterior intimidate you—Jimmy Lewis is as delicate as the down of a new baby duck.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the technical difficulties. I think they began for Jimmy when he attempted to install oversized radiators on his computer to make it go faster. Still, the Screwy Lewis team has logged 85 points, a close third to the battle for first between Jesse "Montana" Ziegler and Sean Finley.

Speaking of Missouri, Jesse left out a picture of himself here, so I took the liberty. I had to pull one out of the archives; this is one from "Zieg-lander's" earlier modeling days with Abercrombie & Fitch (he calls this look "Billet Aluminum").

—Jean Turner